My husband doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Are you judging him?

A popular post on Blogher about wedding rings and judgment sparked a discussion between my husband and I. He doesn’t wear a wedding ring because the one we picked out forever ago didn’t fit well and could not be resized. We both have a lot on our plates and a million things we would rather do than pick out another wedding ring. It’s lame and boring but he mentioned that he often feels judged.

Someone will ask about his marital status, he will mention me and the kids, and then he waits for the inevitable glance at his offensively bare finger. Bam. No wedding ring. My husband mentioned how the glance is usually followed by a strange and sort of accusatory look. He thinks that they think (bare with me here) he is one of those guys.

You know the type of guy I’m talking about. He forgets to wear his wedding ring and then trolls on unsuspecting women at Target drenched in Axe body spray while wearing a velour sports coat. One of those guys. My husband finds this offensive and has demanded we buy him a ring immediately. I’m planning on it soon but first I need to find a good length maxi skirt. Seriously, what’s more boring than shopping for a man’s wedding band?

It doesn’t bother me that he isn’t wearing a ring at the moment. I really don’t care. Why are people caring (judging?) on my behalf ? Are they? Is it my husband’s perception? He insists that the looks are real and people think he is a part-time creeper of some sort. It bothers him because he is a very devoted husband and father and would never wear a velour sports coat or Axe body spray.

I’m not a smug married. I do not believe that marriage makes my relationship superior to those of unmarried couples. We got married to save money on insurance since we were employed by the same company. Romantic, huh? I don’t think marriage is some special pact that God gave to humanity as a gift (yes, I’m Christian and I know some of you truly like to believe that but I’m not with you). I know for a fact that wedding rings do not prevent any kind of shenanigans if the wearer of said ring is a douche of the worst kind. It doesn’t work that way. It’s just a piece of jewelry. Nothing more.

husband daughter

It’s time we stopped allowing gold, platinum, or aluminum foil rings serve as our relationship barometers. Our marriage is fantastic, not because my husband was kind enough to buy me two gorgeous rings (thanks though and more please!) but because my husband brings me Starbucks to say sorry. It’s fantastic because I make mug cakes on command while my husband plays video games after 12 hours of classes and studying. It’s fantastic because we make it so in our own (materialistic and gluttonous) way.

Soon we will get around to picking out the freaking ring so everyone can stop assuming my husband is a creeper. Thanks for your concern but he isn’t. However if you must judge then judge us for being lazy and thinking wedding related shopping is the most boring thing on earth.

Come clean, have you ever judged a married man for not wearing a wedding ring?

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  1. We didn’t have wedding bands when we got married at the courthouse, I think we bought them a few months later. Husband then subsequently lost his before he deployed in 2009, but he probably wouldn’t have worn it to the desert anyway. We didn’t bother getting him a new one until this year, when my MIL decided that it was scandalous for him to not be wearing one (especially as there are *gasp* girls! everywhere! At school) and gave him one of his dads old wedding bands that didn’t fit anymore.

    Me? I forget to wear mine all the time, take it off so I don’t lose it in the laundry and just end up forgetting it on the counter. As far as I’m aware, they don’t contain some kind of magic shield to ward off the opposite sex.

    Other people are much more bothered about it than we are, I’ve found. And you’re right, if he were a creeper he’d be one with or without a ring.
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  2. I don’t judge. I know there are several reasons why men (and women) don’t wear rings. My dad had a wedding ring, but never wore it. He was an engineer before he was a computer technician, and the grease remover that they used on their hands caused him to develop a metal allergy. If he wore his ring, his whole finger would swell up. But there was no man that I know who was more faithful to his wife or more devoted to his children than my dad. People who judge a man based on what they SEE or ASSUME have their own problems. It is not you nor your husband’s responsibility to make them feel comfortable.

    A wedding ring is a beautiful representation of your promise to each other, but it is by no means the first, or the most important part of your marriage.

  3. Good post. In our case, I stopped wearing my wedding ring last year. I took it off because I was getting a different ring and realized it didn’t fit and basically had been uncomfortable. I almost wonder if there is a double standard though, people think a married man who doesn’t wear his ring is shady but do women get that judgment.

    Rings are nice but after 16 yrs or however many (see, been married so long, I don’t even remember) years, I don’t need a ring to know I am married and if my husband took his off, matters not to me.
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  4. My husband is apparently the opposite LOL He couldnt wait to put on a wedding band b/c he’s considered young in his field and he thought he would be taken more seriously with a wedding ring. As for my rings, well I like bling so they’re generally on!
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    • haha same. I love my ring. It depends on the field my husband and I talked about this when he was considering investment banking (extremely long hours like 80-90 hour work week). We wondered whether he would be passed up over the single guys since the people at the bank would assume that because is married with young children he possibly couldnt work the hours & live the lifestyle.

      Thanks for swinging by xo
      Veronica recently posted… My husband doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Are you judging him?My Profile

  5. Yes, I have judged married men who don’t wear rings, but mostly because the ones I know are creepers who are attempting to cheat on their wives. Otherwise, if a guy doesn’t give me a reason to judge him, I won’t. My mom and step dad are Seventh Day Adventist, so are my grandparents, and both couples have been married for years and never wore wedding bands regularly or at all because of religious views. One of the things I WILL say though…I would NEVER be comfortable with my husband not wearing his ring, mostly because of his career field. Women, especially career oriented but lonely women, LOVE to run around looking for eligible office romance. I know a ring doesn’t stop a man from being hit on or even cheating, but I think it helps him to really get the message out “Hey, look, I have a ring, which means I potentially have an insane wife who will attack and mercilessly kill both of us if you try to desecrate my vows.”
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  6. My husband is more obsessed with his ring than I am. I admit that I like that he wears it. But HE is the main one. Claims it keeps the trolls away. SMH.
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  7. Tiffiany

    I don’t judge men for not wearing a wedding ring. I have been judged because I’m okay with my husband not wearing his wedding ring to work (he wears it other times). He’s a chemical compounder and his hands are exposed to some caustic stuff. I learned in my first marriage that a ring doesn’t equal faithfulness. I’d rather have a ringless hubby than a ring-wearing hoochie.

  8. Hubster has never had a ring. He doesn’t wear jewelry of any kind – unless you count earbuds – but it’s just his aesthetic, not a philosophical thing. I don’t feel nervous or jealous about him not wearing a band. I know he is faithful and devoted to our family; I have never worried about him being otherwise. I don’t have a band either, but do sometimes wear the engagement ring he gave me when he proposed. I’ve gone months without wearing it because of pregnancy weight gain, or forgetting to put it back on. One day I’d like us to get matching bands, but it’s not a priority today. Maybe for our ten year anniversary we’ll get re-married to each other and exchange beautiful bands we’ve designed specially. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Originally that was the plan for the 1 year and then 3 year and now the 5 year anniversary is coming up and I don’t have time for that, LOL! Maybe when we’re old and dead, our kid will bury us with bands, LOL.

  9. I’ve never judged a married man for not wearing a ring, but I have asked just out of curiosity. (It was a friend, not some stranger. lol) I think rings are a great token of marital commitment, but it doesn’t guarantee devotion. Men and women who wear rings cheat on their spouses as well. I think it’s unfair to judge someone just because they don’t wear a ring. Some people have very valid reasons for not doing so.
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  10. I am married and I don’t wear a ring. I used to wear an engagement ring (it was my great-grandmothers ring) and a wedding band, but I jammed my finger really badly playing basketball and when it healed the knuckle was a different shape and I couldn’t get the rings back on. I could have them re-sized, but wearing them really isn’t a priority for me.

    Where I live, it is very common for long-term committed couples with children to not be married anyway, so a ring on a finger doesn’t really signify a specific status for me.

    That said, if I saw a man or woman out at a bar, flirting with people, and a tan line on their finger where a ring usually sits, I would judge. But deciding not to wear one isn’t a reason on its own to judge, IMO.
    Annie @ PhD in Parenting recently posted… Badinter’s "The Conflict": Oppression of Mothers Through the Lens of France’s Hegemonic MasculinityMy Profile

    • Exactly. Bummer about the antique ring. Have you considered making a necklace or something else out of it? This is why although jewelry is gorgeous I am not a huge fan. I am always stressed out about losing it, breaking it, etc. not to mention the judging that comes along with it at times. Anyway appearances are deceiving which is exactly what makes judging dangerous and usually pointless. Ringless could mean a ton of things as you mentioned. Thanks for swinging by.
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  11. If it bothers him that much shouldn’t it be made a priority? Just sayin’.
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  12. So it looks like I’m the only one who admits that I find it weird when married people don’t wear rings. :) I wear mine proudly and so does my husband.
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  13. I don’t make it a point to look at people’s fingers lol I think it’s weird people would even be concerned with that shit. I do however care that my husband wears his and he feels the same way about me wearing mine :) I picked a beautiful, pricey one for him and he ended up losing it in a jacuzzi while we were on vacation. He immediately replaced it with a $20 sterling silver one that he prefers over the original lol
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  14. My husband is the one with the ring fixation. It was hard enough to get him used to me not wearing the engagement ring (I didn’t want one to begin with). He would cry if I didn’t wear the wedding band, which I don’t mind. It’s just a plain platinum band. So, basically, if I have to wear one, he has to wear one. He really shouldn’t sometimes because of his job, but he’s the type that would risk losing his finger. :-/

    Having said that, the only guys I’ve known IRL who didn’t wear a wedding band (and i noticed) were assholes. They were assholes to their wives & their wedding vows. So, my knee jerk reaction is to give the side eye but if the guy isn’t wearing a ring yet talking glowingly & openly about his wife & kids, I’ll chastise myself privately & stop judging.
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    • This comment was phenomenal. Your husband sounds amazing. I get the knee jerk reaction thing because youre right those types totally do exist but thankfully my husband is the other type. STILL haven’t bought a ring and for no damn good reason. Im doing it soon though I swear! Thanks for stopping by and sorry it took me FOREVER to respond xo
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  15. I don’t judge. Many men have professions that prohibit the wearing of jewelry. My father is a cop and lost his wedding ring one time when he was on the environmental detail investigating illegal dumping. He took it off and set it in his car so he wouldn’t lose it in the field one time, and it disappeared. My husband works in an office so it’s never been an issue, but I myself have days where I just don’t feel like wearing a ring. I take mine off as soon as I walk in the door in the evenings and often don’t wear it on the weekends.
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  16. My husband doesn’t wear a wedding ring. I don’t either. We didn’t even buy wedding bands. So I’m not judging. Obviously.
    I will definitely pay more attention to people’s reaction when I tell them I’m married (and obviously not wearing a wedding ring)!

  17. I don’t judge men that don’t wear them. My dad never could. He worked factory jobs and risked losing the finger. I judge other women, who might find my husband kinda cute, see he has no ring, and just go for it. Jon took care of that. He tattooed “Liz” on his ring finger. Good enough for me!

  18. Funnily enough, in our house it’s the other way around. Initially, my husband wasn’t too keen on the ring… or rather, on wearing it because of his general contracting business (saws and such don’t mix well with jewelry) but then once he got it and we were married, he loved it and wore it whenever he wasn’t working. I got tubby, okay, fine, I’ll say it, fat while I was pregnant and couldn’t squeeze my chubby stubbies into the rings for the life of me and just quit trying. That was three years plus ago and I do notice that people look at my hands when they hear me talk about my hubs/son and then get a quizzical expression at the lack of the ring. Guess they think he must not like it all that much since he hasn’t put a ring on it. Except he has. Oh, but he really has. Ha!
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  19. Unless your husband was in a bar, offering me a drink and leering at me, no I wouldn’t judge. Because as I mentioned on the other post, who cares? I have my own issues to worry about! Like you said, people don’t wear rings for many reasons. I love my rings, but a few years ago I had an allergic reaction to the white gold, and couldn’t for health reasons. And yet, I never felt judged when I went out with my boys and didn’t have my rings on.

    I will agree with you that wedding related shopping is pretty darn boring…

  20. I never even think about it to be honest. I remember once when I was about 19 and my friend said something about her husband not wearing his ring because of work (it didn’t bother her, we were just discussing marriage and rings) and I had never even noticed. I knew they were married and that was it.

    My husband has barely worn his ring in our marriage and it never bothers me. He lost one at work, which didn’t surprise me and I had told him prior to that happening he might want to consider not wearing it. He was adamant that once you are married you have to wear it all the time. I pointed out that we are Christian and to us marriage is more than a ring. We know we are married, who cares what others think. It totally changed his view.

    A ring is just a piece of jewellery. Yes it is nice to have a symbol of your love for each other, but it doesn’t bother me if people have them or not.
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  21. Honestly, I haven’t worn a wedding ring in probably 10 years. My husband never removes his though. However, he almost broke his finger falling off a ladder because his wedding ring got caught on it (note: he wouldn’t have fallen far enough to hurt himself, with the exception of having a case of butthurt because I laughed at him.). I’ve urged him not to wear his ring for safety concerns in his job. He still wears it.
    Maybe I look at it differently than he does (being a child of divorce) but I honestly don’t see the point of a round piece of gold. It’s nice to look at but it’s not a status symbol (and if it is, I don’t want that status), it’s not a contract, it’s not a guarantee. I love my husband, ring or not, and will NOT wear one just to appease the masses.

  22. My parents have worn their wedding rings everyday since I can remember. To me, I wear rings everyday so it’s not that big of a deal to wear one (I don’t since I’m not married, but I was engaged), but for others if it’s uncomfortable, then hey it’s your decision. I don’t judge people based on what they are wearing or if they have a ring or not. I’ve know quite a few men or women who truly love their spouses but don’t wear a ring. It’s definitely a personal preference.
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  23. so. what do we think of chicks who don’t wear rings? me being one…bc really, i can’t swim bike or run with it. can chicks be creepers??