Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
Him: “Wow, you’ve gained a lot of weight since I last saw you.”
Me: “Well, the last time you saw me I was eight months pregnant. I’ve lost about 40 pounds since then so that’s not actually true. Thanks for calling me fat in front of my husband and kids though.”
A recent conversation I had with someone has swirled in my memory for days. I’ve never been humiliated and insulted in front of my family. It was a jarring experience. I’m thankful that my kids aren’t old enough to ask questions. However I’m happy that it happened.
I was upset because a man objectified me in front of my children and spoke to me as if I owed it to him (society?) to maintain a certain physical appearance. I don’t. After wasting too many years of my life obsessed with my outward appearance the birth of my children forced me to come to terms with the fact that I may never be the same on the outside again. That’s fine.
I’d rather spend time with my family than two hours a day in the gym like I used to. With the birth of my children I grew into a new person. Each day I try my hardest to present the best possible version of myself to my children. I am not perfect but I am their role model. I will not transfer my insecurities and vanities on to my two wonderful children. I will not berate myself over the physically inconsequential And teach my children to do the same to themselves.
The insult has strengthened my resolve. My body is not public property. It is not up for discussion or critique. I will not allow anyone to publicly insult me by pointing out my physical flaws whether perceived or real. This is non negotiable. My body is not public property to be discussed among people like a construction project. Whether you find me too big or too small is entirely your issue. Not mine. You are not my body’s architect.
No one has permission to humiliate or insult me. I do not exist to please you. My body does not exist to please you. Your opinion is baseless and meaningless. You do not have permission to insult me. My kids will learn that no person has the right to study and critique their physical structure as if they were a racehorse.
No one has been given that permission.
Sir, your insults and slander mean nothing except perhaps that you lack tact.
I owe you nothing least of all an obligation to live up to your perverse and pedestrian standard of beauty.
My flaws are many but I pride myself on my ability to look on the bright side of things. Thanks for calling me fat. You’ve strengthened my resolve to teach my children that they are not objects. Their perceived physical beauty is not up for discussion.
Thanks for the insult. I mean it.
Why do people say things like this?! I agree with you, I would have been more upset at the fact he said it in front of the kids than the comment it’s self. You have the right attitude about this. You birthed two beautiful children and are beyond proud of them. I have no doubt that your children will be raised to see the beauty in people for the right reasons.
Hugs to you beautiful lady!!
Nina recently posted… Thursdays
I have no clue. Absolutely zero idea how tactless people like that get by in life but thank you so much for leaving that sweet comment xo
@textdrivebys
Like it’s not bad enough we find flaws in our ownselves but for other people to do it – nah homie! My weight has always yoyo’d but I find more comfort in my body now, not when I was size 3. I would like to be a couple sizes smaller for myself but rarely care what people think of me!
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Good for you. That’s exactly how it should be. You looked pretty great last time I saw you!
@SewSoDef
What did he say when you responded?
I keep thinking that I don’t understand how people turn out this way, thinking that saying that sort of thing is socially acceptable. Yet people turn into serial killers, so why should I be so floored by terrible manners and lack of other people’s feelings? Sigh.
And in front of your kids. Something tells me that had they been older & able to understand what was going on, that wouldn’t have made a bit of difference to him. Which is worrisome, and sad.
Ashley recently posted… Friends, Growing Up and the Beastie Boys
It’s a long story that I omitted to obscure the identity of the not so innocent but he didn’t seem to think he did much wrong.
He asked me where I wanted to go to dinner and I said are you serious? With you? You just called me fat you think I’m in the mood to eat right now?
And then his wife supported him saying oh well maybe he meant that he had seen some photos of your from before and youre bigger now. Oh? So you’re both thoughtless & rude. Good to know.
@SewSoDef
o_o at the wife’s response.
WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE’S MOTHERS AND WHY DID THEY NOT RAISE THEM RIGHT?!
Ashley recently posted… Friends, Growing Up and the Beastie Boys
@textdrivebys
Oy at the wife adding on #facepalm
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Wow. That was such a powerful piece of writing Veronica. It made me feel good to be a woman. And strong. Amazing.
XOXO M (from Blogging from the Heart)
Thanks so much for visiting and your supportive comment. It means a lot to me
@Bitchujusmad
I loved this. I admittedly obsess over myself physically. I have struggled with weight not just post pregnancy (where my body was actually the leanest it had ever been in my adult life) but forever…so I worry so much about passing this insecurity on to my children. I thank God for my beautiful children DAILY but give him extra kudos for somehow knowing my struggles and managing to send me a daughter who weighs nearly nothing no matter what she eats. Her metabolism is outstanding and I hope it doesn’t slow ever, so she doesn’t have to worry about being thin, she just WILL BE, you know? But all that said, its crazy that I even think about things like that. I should be concerned about her health and safety and education and how much fun she has…not if she will be a chubby teen. This piece was powerful, and I think I will bookmark it and try to read it when I need the lesson every now and then. Thanks V! (Also for what it worth, I think you’re gorgeous, and have a great shape!)
Cara Mia recently posted… How To Reject A Guy You Don’t Like
Thank you so much. The thing is people will have something to say about her being thin too. Trust me. My whole life I was too skinny. Accused of eating disorders etc. people should keep their mouths shut period. A woman’s physical appearance is not cocktail party fodder.
@rosesdaughter
Great Post Veronica! It’s so hard as women to have spent our lives obsessing over our weight only to give it up when we get pregnant. Lord knows I’ve tried to get the body that I had back, but I think I’ve finally accepted that it’s just not going to happen. Yeah, I worry when it gets out of hand, but I don’t want my son to see a woman obsessing over her weight and think that’s normal. And how RUDE of that man!!! SMH People have NO tact!
Rose’s Daughter recently posted… A Ray of Light
Thank you. Exactly. Also we don’t want our sons to objectify women and reduce them to nothing more than a living statute.
Great post!!! You are beautiful inside and out. And that man better hope he never runs into me!
You and mom lol xoxo
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@jordanmktg
This post touched my heart because I do not understand why people feel obligated to express their opinions on how someone else looks. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to “check” someone for volunteering how “happy they are I lost weight after having BellaRose because I was SOOOO fat before I got pregnant.” Really?? I grew up with a distorted body image. I’ve made it my parenting goal for BR to have good eating habits but to love her body no matter what. I’m so proud of you for not letting that jerk change how you look at your body.
Tiffiany recently posted… Cheap thrill – Coral Teardrop Earrings
Thank you so much. I would say WHAT KIND OF IDIOT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT but sadly now I know. Sometimes I hate people. I try to manifest that into something positive. Grrr. But its not easy. Sometimes I’d rather hand out good old fashioned soap opera slaps.
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
So strong and purposeful. I love your perspective and your resolve to be the mother you are. We need more of this in the world. Fantastic!
A million thank yous Flo. Such a great thing to hear and it means a lot to me.
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@carrieann
Thanks for the amazing post Veronica! I did a mental head swat to that man… what an a$$. And his wife? No wonder they are together! Jeez!
Carrie Nelson recently posted… Monthly Challenge: Motherhood
hahah perfect Carrie! Thank you xo
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@writrams
Bastard. (Sorry, too much?)
Jackie (WritRams) recently posted… 4 Alternate Emergency Uses for Feminine Hygiene Products
Not enough! xoxo bring pitchforks : )
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
Wow. That guy is pretty much an idiot. I’m sorry you had to deal with this…and not to mention his wife. Or maybe she thought she was covering up for his ignorance only to make herself look bad in return. Keep your head up, your strength and remember, “This too shall past.”
Thanks for the great post (and sharing). Your story reminded me of a situation I recently had to deal with.
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Thanks so much Keia and I think you are 100% correct.
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@onestarrynight
OMFG seriously? You are one of the most gorgeous women I know! In a “I can compete with Giselle no problem” sort of way too!
It kills me how it’s acceptable in society to comment on women’s weight or appearance.
Oh and 2 hrs a day for real? I can hardly get through 30 min a day without collapsing lol.
Sarah @ OneStarryNight recently posted… Whole Wheat and Oat Buttermilk Strawberry Muffins
Youre just the sweetest and thank you so much. Yes I would do an hour of cardio before work and lift weights for an hour at lunch. I’m one of those freaks who really REALLY enjoys exercise lol
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
Wow. I loved your response, it sounds like something I would say. I can’t believe his wife didn’t elbow him in the ribs when he said that. They must be physical trainers or something. You have a great outlook for your kids and an uphill battle, I’m afraid. I’m sure there will be a ‘has she lost the baby weight’ story on those entertainment shows tonight. I remember hearing someone saying they went from a size 14 to a 0 on an informercial. If I did that, I’d look pretty bad… I used to work out a lot, I was a body builder ’cause I didn’t like cardio. When I stopped (to start dressage), I kept steadily gaining weight with no end in sight. ‘Riding is exercise, don’t worry about it’, people would say. I’ve gotten to the point where I can sneak up on my metabolism and manage to drop some inches, but not pounds. If anyone says that sort of thing to me, they’d better watch out for some colorful language. I was shocked to see your photo, I was expecting a much larger woman! You look great, I hope no one insults you like that again, ever.
No, they’re not. I was the thinnest person in the room. I have no idea why he blurted that out or why she had that senseless excuse but whatever. I feel better now. lol I know what you mean. I’m actually not having a hard time at all. I dont have 18% bodyfat at the moment but my clothes fit and I’m healthy so what more could I ask for? It’ll come off if it wants to : ) Ive only got 10-15 to go but im serious if it decides to stick around forever I’ll live you know? Thanks for swinging by xo
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@clevercarlia
this is such a great post! i truly needed to read this today. i’ve been struggling with my own body image lately and this really helps put it all into perspective for me. thank you!
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It makes me so happy to hear that Carlie. You know where to find me if you ever need to talk. You’re not alone.
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
@StacieTurner
I’m just hung up on that you used to work out 2 hours a day.
I mean, it’s a great post in all sorts of good ways but…
2 hours.
To think we had that kind of time pre-kids.
Stacie recently posted… Bunny Mask Accepted to Newspace Center for Photography 2012 Juried Show
THAT is exactly what I thought as I wrote it. Man, I used to have no life. I’d do an hour of cardio before work and lift for an hour at lunch. 5 days a week. There would be some swimming and biking mixed in when I was trying to be a triathlete : )
also
I’m not done. I’ll get there again. On my own damn terms. If I at size 6 is considered fat then we really are screwed as a society. However it is never okay to talk about someone’s body.
Veronica recently posted… Thanks for calling me fat. No. Really. Thank you.
Brilliant!!! Huge applause for you momma!!
Wonderful post! It would be great if more people did this and then there would be less stress about body image. (in my humble opinion only:))
@lmbva
I love this post and congratulations on not succumbing to fear and shame. I just blogged about this very thing yesterday which came about from a tweet about chicks with fat arses. Apparently it was tongue in cheek (aren’t they all) but my reaction caused him to tell me to chill out, but with a swear word involved. Let’s just say we had a robust discussion in the comments section.
Lisa B recently posted… Chicks with big arses
Powerful writing – good for you. Your kids have a great role model and I love your response
Jo (BFTH)
Wow. I am so glad Amy (The BMG) pointed me here. I have been struggling BIG TIME with my postpartum body this time around because I feel judged. Even though I FEEL healthier than the last time around. I needed to read this.
I am fine.
It is not anyone’s right to judge me or tell me what I “should” look like 3 months after having a baby.
Thank you.
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Thanks for stopping by. I have no idea who’s trying to make you feel that way but they’re an ass. Period. This is also why I refuse to discuss celebrity pregnancies. Ever. I don’t give a shit who got super skinny a half hour after giving birth. It’s such pointless bs and I won’t buy into it. Who loses? Me and you. People looking at us like we have hours and millions to be in a gym to conform to some bullshit standard. Grrrr. Take care of yourself and do what feels right for you.
I wish I could take just a pinch of your inner strength and attitude for the people I work with… Trying to help people see their self worth is hard work, especially when people like the one you describe can knock them flat with their words. I’m so glad that didn’t happen for you.
I love your conviction and hope it seeps into every pore of your children. With so much negative media and celebrity focus on body image there needs to be a balance and I’m so glad you have voiced your thoughts so honestly and powerfully.
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Well written, thank you for sharing
stinkypaw recently posted… If only the fat would melt as well
Bravo to you young lady! My husband and I just recently had a conversation about the double standards that women face daily. We are expected to do the same thing as men…work, provide, pay bills…and…have babies, resume normal life afterwards and stay a perfect size despite the stress that our bodies endure from all of the above (and the million other things we are expected to do.) I learned, rather forced to learn the hard way how to love and appreciate my body. See I too thought at one time that I needed to be perfect for everybody but me. Working in corporate, and getting ip in age, I decided about 11 years ago that I’d better do something about my steady increasing weight after my second child, so I ran right out and had bariatric surgery. Oh did the weight come off! From a size 26 to and 8. And I have been sick (literally) since then!! It is impossable to keep a nutritional balance. I have something called “dumping syndrome” which is not a pleasurable experience. I am on monthly B-series shots. Have had issues with major organs (frequent kidney stones) because my body does not process foods correctly anymore. And to top it off, I have gained back 50 of the original lost pounds over the years-without proper nutrition it is impossable to maintain the energy needed to workout even on a regular basis and you have to eat the foods that best works with your body (in order to eat all) and for me, bread and rice are the two things that my body best tolerates so they make up the majority of my meals now. I have a loving and supportive husband that didn’t want me to get the surgery in the first place. I also have very supportive children. I quit corporate realizing that the stress from it alone was part of my massive weight gain from the start. I took time off, decided to return to school and become a social worker. Now I held others to love, accept, and appreciate themselves and others. I will be sharing your experience with others as I feel that it will help to show how self acceptance is a healing force in itself. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
@ajiradarch
Am I the only one who thinks it’s ironic that so many commenters commented on your body in response to this post? It’s so automatic, right? This struck me a lot growing up, how people felt free to comment on my body all the time. And really, it starts even younger. Ever noticed how people will often tell a little girl she’s pretty, has nice hair or a lovely dress… while they tell a boy he’s strong, smart, curious, capable? It’s infuriating. And the worst thing is that we get used to it and think it’s normal. I was struck by this even more so when I was pregnant, it really seemed as if everyone thought I was public property or something, free to touch me or tell me that I shouldn’t take too much advantage of eating for two because I’d want to get the weight off asap. Gah! You don’t know me or my body, strange woman in the street. Leave me and my food alone. Dammit!
Anyway, this just seems to be further proof that we need to skype or google hangout sooner rather than later.
LOVE the Lamott quote. Thank you. I’ve been thinking of writing about the weirdness that happens to my son and I while we’re out and about. The things people say. And I’ve been concerned about hurting people’s feelings or offending them. Ah, how I miss the days when I really didn’t give a flying f*ck what anyone else thought. (even went back and replaced a u with a * there). Anyway, we’ll see. I think I’ll read that quote a few more times and see what happens.
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Love this post! I have two daughters and am constantly trying to erase the double standard for them. And someone recently said to me after I told him I am 6 weeks pregnant “thank god, I thought you were letting yourself go”. Really? Did you really mean to say congratulations on baby #3?
Glad you have changed your ways. You were the biggest bully in Middle School and High school… I specifically remember YOU calling me fat!! You were so mean I was scared to go to school. But people change and I am glad you did. No person deserves to be treated like that.
Right. And if you feel so strongly about it why comment anonymously? Own it. Of course I’ve changed my childhood ways. Im an adult now.
As far as me being the biggest bully ever this is the first ive ever heard of it. I was a tool in middle and high school. Most of us – thank god – grow up to be productive members of society. For whatever I did to hurt you I’m sorry.
This happened to me except by my best friend’s mom. I’ll never forget it. “are you sure you aren’t pregnant? …oookkkk….” I’ve lost 30 pounds since then and I bet she will still ask me if I’m pregnant over the 4th of July. No tact for sure.
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Simply a smiling visitor here to share the love. btw great design
and style as well as excellent post.
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