How to be the worst hotel roommate ever. Blog conference edition.

• Arrive a few hours later than planned for your late night 3 hour drive to the city because you were embroiled in a completely and ridiculously insane family drama.
• Cry hysterically during the long car ride and regale your roommate with a play-by-play of the aforementioned ridiculous drama.
• Horrify her while she’s driving by bumping this song on Spotify:

• Leave striped grannie panties in plain sight. Clean? Yes. Horrifying? Absolutely.
• Lock door with deadbolt and then fall into the deepest most drunken sleep you can muster.
• Continue to doze peacefully while your exhausted and travel weary roommate pounds on the door and calls you on the hotel and call phones repeatedly.
• Keep right on snoozing peacefully as your roommate has to travel 40 floors down the worlds slowest elevator. TWICE. At 3:00 am-ish to ask hotel security let her in the room.
• Keep sleeping. Have a sweet dream or two.
• Wake up early the next morning and listen to your roommate’s tale of horror from the previous night.
• Apologize profusely.
• Quietly exit the room to shower so your tired roommate can catch an hour or two of sleep.
• Don’t forget to set 3 separate iPhone alarms spaced at 15 minute intervals so your roommate’s only chance at catching Zzzs before a long day at the conference is completely and utterly destroyed. RUINED!
• Apologize profusely.
• Never ever carry cash. Ever. Ask your roomie to spot you like a hundred times a day. Enjoy the delicious hot dog she buys you.
• Go out late night RAGING with your husband. Have the time of your life. Stay out super-duper late. Party like its 2999.
• Enter the room and then proceed to drunkenly and loudly organize the contents of your purse alphabetically.
• Make plans with your roommate to depart first thing in the morning.
• Ruin said plans by having a deep sleeping husband who is snoring through his alarm four blocks away at a friend’s house.
• Panic when you realize you don’t know the address or phone number of your husband’s friend.
• Leave an hour later than originally planned.
• Use the three-hour ride home as a free therapy session. Tell your roomie about all the crushing disappointments you’ve suffered during your lifetime and incredible feats you achieved at grade school spelling bees.

Congratulations! You’re the worst hotel roommate and blog conference travel companion ever.

This list was inspired by real events. It is a real life how-to from me to you. A few of these events have been slightly embellished, I’m sad to say that I did these things to my roomie.

Sorry Joanna.

I love you girl! Thanks for not killing me.