I am not having a good Monday morning. Not being able to accomplish anything besides cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids is REALLY starting to get to me. Usually I am able to find some time here and there to stare at a wall or whatever awesome thing I can squeeze into my daily five minutes of semi-solitude but not lately. Not at all. I love staying home with the kids but on days like today it is important to remind myself of the things I do not miss about working in an office. Smelly Bathrooms: Often as I stood in the woman's bathroom at 7:00 a.m. innocently curling my eyelashes and totally minding my business I would notice something: ~ ~ ~ stink lines ~ ~ ~ wafting from the handicap bathroom stall at the far end of the bathroom. I would grab my Shu Emura curler and run out of the stinky torture chamber as quickly as I could, muttering to myself about people and their lack of manners. You JUST got here?!? You JUST left home and you are here, at work, dropping bombs at SEVEN a.m. Really?!? What the hell is wrong with you? Poo at home! (I always wondered whether it was a person with a gastrointestinal issue because in that case they are totally forgiven but I think it was just a nasty stinkapotamus). I do not miss the offensive coffee poops of my coworkers. Gross.

Outdated Slang: Ahhh I never have to hear a coworker nearly twice my age ask me whether I am "Getting jiggedety with it". Now I could have been the bigger person and kindly initiated a meeting to let these tools know that the correct term is "getting jiggy" and that this phrase was not appropriate in the workplace even prior to its antiquation but that was not in my job description and conference rooms were kind of hard to come by so I just let them embarrass themselves. That may sound mean but believe me it isn't. These are the same people that in an effort to relate to me (and my browness) would say things like "You go girl! and My bad!". Ew ew ew.

Stolen Lasagna: I was a big ass pregnant lady that liked nasty snacks. One of my favorites was Stouffer's frozen lasagna. I left one in the freezer one Friday only to return on Monday and find it missing. I am pretty sure I know who did it and if I ever see him I will probably maim him with a spork. These are well compensated people STEALING frozen lasagnas from pregnant people! Who does that? I was so so mad. I put the word out that if anyone was caught eating a Stouffer's frozen lasagna their ass was mine. The warning remains. I will find you Mr. Stouffer's Frozen Lasagna Stealer. Burn in hell!

What do you NOT miss about working in an office? Still there? What makes you want to karate chop someone?

I feel much better now. Thanks for listening and Happy Monday.