I have been a mother of two for almost a month and am therefore now a parenting expert. Okay that is far from true BUT I have found some creative ways to preserve my sanity that might help out another frazzled mother out there.

• Schedule your showers the way you would schedule a meeting. For example: Monday's shower will involve hair washing and shaving below the knee, Tuesday's shower involves shaving from the knee up and a face mask, etc. etc. Don't get greedy. I know how glorious it can be to get five minutes to yourself AND an opportunity to shower but stick to the schedule. Trust me. If you get greedy and attempt to throw something unplanned onto the agenda you might end up with a burning set of buttocks due to the hastily semi-rinsed off Nair on your ass or so I have been told.

• Eat while you workout. I have discovered that my baby will awake from the deepest of sleep if I even think about working out. However she will sleep happily for hours while I greedily and disgustingly snarf down craisins and Kool-Aid in the kitchen. Eat the craisins while I squat and lunge my way to bootylicious buns? GENIUS! Just don't choke. Although I bet the heaving is good for one's abs.

• Schedule one vanity activity a day. This is what my schedule looks like: Monday: waxing, Tuesday: self-tanning, Wednesday: pedicure, Thursday: manicure, and Friday: anything I missed during the week. I am currently behind on giving myself a pedicure. If you do not care much about your outward appearance these days I completely understand because really what is the damn point but I have low self-esteem and bushy eyebrows make me crazy

I hope these groundbreaking insights are of assistance to you. Please share your time management tips with me. I would love to hear them and as you can see I could really use some :)

Oh! One more thing: Please vote for me for Hottest Mommy Blogger on the '10 Bloggers Choice Awards website.

It would mean a lot to me and make me feel a whole lot better about not being able to fit into any of my jeans. You should feel badly for me. I cannot leave the house because I have no pants. True story!

Proof that I was once hot:

So long ago. So very very long ago.

And if I win maybe I will share some old slutty and hilarious pictures of me. That is a good bribe right? :)