Married ladies, admit it, when an online dating commercial starts playing you get a little curious? Right? I do! I am fascinated with the goings on of young, single people. I am the true Sex & The City cliché, always willing to listen to details and stories about single people's lives. It isn't because my life is unsatisfying it's because I am nosy. There I said it. I am very excited to bring you the first installment in what I hope will become a successful series on my little blog. I'm talking about Tool Time. Let me tell you more.

My sister Vanessa is a sweet, smart, and ridiculously gorgeous single twenty something. After being harangued endlessly by me, my mom, baristas, and the kids she nannies for she finally signed up for Match.com.

Before you blame me for the deluge of douchebaggery this poor girl has endured because of our awful recommendation keep in mind I am married and know nothing about online dating. The people in the commercials look nice! Right? RIGHT!

Anyway. Vanessa has had the misfortune of having her inbox soiled by a tool we will call Todd (names have been changed to conceal the identities of the deliriously douchey).

Here are some tidbits from forty-something Todd's profile:

I prefer someone who I can converse with about my business as easily as about her latest shoe fetish.. LOL.

LOL? What the? How old is this dude? Oh, and yes of course all the ladiez have shoe fetishes. Of course! He's got it all figured out.

I like outdoor activities opposed to indoor (unless its a lazy Sunday and we're playing naked twister under the covers, which of course should not be an outdoor sport.. LOL) ..

RED FLAG! Naked. Twister. Who says that? Oh right. Crazy Todd. Yep, this profile is a woman's dream. Who doesn't want to read about something as vomit inducing and disturbing as {shudder} naked twister (naked anything really, bruh do I know you?). I think even my husband would get an old fashioned novela slap as a result of saying something so gross. I don't discriminate.

So you're not an old divorcee in her 40's you're quite a catch. Probably most your age just can't keep up or relate. Some but not most. If you do date older men, you'll find that we do not play games anymore, don't mess with your head, don't lie to get you in bed, don't bother flattering you needlessly when its false, and stick to reality.

Old divorcée in her 40's? So you mean your peers? Women smart enough to avoid men like you? Oh, okay. got it.

Listen up ladies: Todd has spoken. Older men are perfect in every way and definitely don't lie to get you in bed. So I guess all those old guys that would hit on me when I was in my early twenties mentioning their fancy vacation homes and such were really younger guys wearing old man masks in an effort to throw me off their trail. Good to know.

 Obviously, Vanessa was smart enough not to write back. This is when Todd got ugly.

Not sure what I said or did to deserve the silence.. maybe you're thinking you know more than you do or guessing which is typical female .. ha ha ha. They often fill in the blanks incorrectly. 

Nice try with the insult douchebag but no dice. You deserve silence because you are a tool who stereotypes women and creeps on chicks half his age on Match. You deserve more than silence, like a stiletto to your nuts.

Try not to be a little TWIT all your life okay ? Start maturing by age 28...that will help the misnomer.  Loser..

Ruh roh looks like Mr. Todd the angry geriatric (see I can be a jerk too) is up past his bed time. Name calling? Who says twit? Is this Mr. Burns?

Dear Todd,

The silence you have experienced after trolling countless women on Match.com is not a reflection of womankind (or maybe it is since it seems women are too smart to reply to you). It is a kind response to your lecherous and unoriginal profile and thinly veiled bragging. OHHH you have a boat!?! So does my imaginary Uncle Larry. Who cares?

Get off Match. See a therapist and spend some time around intelligent men your own ago who can give you some tips on how not to be the biggest tool in the online dating world.

Thanks for the blog material,

Veronica

P.S. You suck