Unsolicited advice column: Volume 2

It's been too long since I've written an unsolicited advice column. The curious people of the internet ask lots of questions that land them on my little blog. Sometimes they find what they're looking for and sometimes they don't. My unsolicited advice column has answers to the questions you're too shy, embarrassed, or lazy to ask but not too shy, embarrassed, or lazy to google. Here are some helpful responses to the questions random internet people have asked via google searches that landed them on my blog.

Marriage

What does it mean when husband no longer wears wedding ring?

It's probably not good news. Either he lost the ring or doesn't want to be seen wearing it. If he hasn't discussed a lost ring or crazy puffy fingered sudden allergic reaction to metal I'd start investigating. Depending upon how he's acting you might have to get sneaky. Is he acting like everything is totally cool? Have a good relationship? Ask him.

Are other strange things happening? Has he purchased some silky thong underwear when he usually wears boxers? This is a bit controversial but I did this to my ex boyfriend and it was a gold mine: hack, wait! hack is such an ugly word, check his cell phone voicemail - as a favor to him of course because he's SO busy losing jewelry.

See what's in there. Check the phone bill. Save going through the cell phone for last because there's a good chance you'll get caught and then he'll try to make you look like the bad guy and you're not. I said so.

Good luck.

Parenting

Kids sick from sippy cup?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it's probably because you didn't clean that nasty inner plastic tube thing. It gets super disgusting under there. Sippy cups are the devil. Happy to be done with them. I hope your kids feel better soon.

Caillou

Ugh. If I had never written this post this blog would get no traffic at all. Instead of whining about it I'll embrace it. At least someone is reading. I had to close comments on that post because one insane crazed woman wouldn't stop harassing me about how awesome Caillou is. Anyway. Moving on.

Is Caillou's mom pregnant?

Someone told me she is in some of the episodes. I don't want to think about that. Is there anyone less sexy than Caillou's parents? And ima tell you something. The last thing those people need is another kid. They can barely control the two they have.

Why is caillou whiny?

He is whiny because his parents allow him to be. They respond to his whiny nonsensical question in earnest. It's maddening. Personally I refuse to answer any questions from anyone when asked in a whiny tone. Whining is my kryptonite. I can't take it.

Will there ever be new episodes of caillou?

What the hell is wrong with you? Unless you mean "will there ever be new episodes of caillou where he isn't acting like a raging douche?". In which case I hope soon because my kids are mesmerized by that ish. It's the only way I can take a shower when my husband isn't home.

Miscellaneous 

How to make boutique headbands?

I have no idea. Have you ever seen my craptastic crafting attempts? Sometimes I buy some elastic and then glue these giant hideous craft flowers I find at Michael's onto them. They're really ugly and my daughter won't wear them.

How to make butter without whipping cream?

You're going to have to buy it at the store chief.

Are people calling me fat when they say that have you been eating?

It probably means that you have a string of melted cheese dangling precariously from your chin. Look in the mirror after you eat and the questions will probably stop.

Who uses singing dog vanilla?

Restaurants, bakeries, culinary schools, and me! I love that stuff.

 Until next time folks.